Sliding doors
Posted by: inwardsun on: November 8, 2009
I met my ex boyfriend at a party last night. Although I hadn’t seen him for two years he looked exactly the same. Perhaps even slightly broader over the shoulders, but it could have been the jacket. I think he was a little shocked to see me as a brunette. I think he was shocked to see me at all.
We were together for four years and a half, but it ended four years ago. I’ve heard that there is a general four years cycle, a pattern that makes us seek change around that time, which often brings us to turning points in our relationships.
We grew apart as cliché as that sounds. There was no drama, no below-the-belt remarks, no discussion. We cared too much for each other.
It was great to see him again.
To see him as the man he is becoming. To remember us as 20 year-olds playing house. To know what it would feel like to touch him. To decide that I wouldn’t do us that disfavour.
To stand in the middle of the subway, holding each other, hearing him say with forced strength that I was never his to keep and that he wishes I’d go out and meet the man I am supposed to make happy and what the hell was I doing in Sweden anyway?
In the background a street musician was playing “I’m tired of using technology, I need you right in front of me”.
I felt like Gwyneth Paltrow in Sliding Doors. What could have been different, had I caught another train? What was in front of me because I didn’t? Does it matter anyway when all versions blend into one, undeniable reality.
And I cried in his arms for reasons he will never understand.
We put one foot in front of the other, never knowing where we are going, never knowing what we leave behind and what’s worth keeping. At the end of the day, we only have what we acknowledge.
The doors may be relentlessly sliding but the trains are continuously coming.
I took the one where my friends were and we danced and drank until early morning.
First snow and a show
Posted by: inwardsun on: November 6, 2009
The first snow has fallen. Mixed with rain and soon to be splashed around the highways. Traffic chaos. People rushing to the subways in wet coats and boots. Winter in Stockholm sucks.
Oh, give me endless snowfall. Give me snow caves and goose feather overalls. Give me snow scooter rides on the frozen sea. Give me minus 10 degrees on a crystal clear day. Give me the sparkling snowflakes ray.
Or give me this.
I was so warm inside yesterday at Elin Sigvardsson’s show. She was amazing and beautiful and cool and her new songs are more catchy and bluesy than before. Such a great vibe! But her final, stripped down version of “If I” struck me straight to the core…
“I get nothing done as the sun moves up and down without you…”
Micke and I had a few Nils Oscar beers and Indian take out before going to the venue.
Such a great beer!
The next picture is taken in the cable car that goes from up the hill, down to the subway. It’s pretty silly because walking takes four minutes and the car crawls at a snail’s pace down the cable while people sit awkwardly silent for two minutes which feels like an eternity. But when it’s freezing outside, I guess it’s worth it.
For those in warm, sunny places right now; keep cool.
For those that’s not; get hot.
This is Elin. Such a great mix of both!
Same same but different
Posted by: inwardsun on: November 5, 2009
Now, who has more fun??
If not for results, then for character
Posted by: inwardsun on: November 4, 2009
The leaves have almost completely fallen off the trees around the pond I see from my window. The wind has forced even the most unwavering ones to surrender and now they lay gathered in piles on the sidewalk, moldering.
Change is inevitable.
As it gets colder outside, doors open for me and I step inside the warmth.
So happy I moved in.
I have laughed more than I can remember laughing in a long time. I have cooked food with excitement and creativity. I have served and been served. I have sat by a dinner table again, enjoying wine and easy conversations. I have watched movies on a on big screen TV and episodes from Navy Seals. I have woken up from early morning after parties and I have come home to find groups of guys hanging out watching soccer and eating pizza. There has been music around me again.
Guys are so easy going.
If you clear the table for a guy he will say thank you when a girl would excuse herself.
If a guy puts Bruce Springsteen at the loudest on the stereo he’ll expect you to tell him to turn it down if you want it quiet. But until you do, he’ll just enjoy the music.
Micke and I get along amazingly well. Tomas is only home for a weekend once in a while, but he is super sweet too. They are both nice to be around.
No fuss.
I will post more pictures soon, I promise. But now, I’m off to the gym. Micke says that if not for results, then for character.
Maybe the best guidance I’ve ever been given.
Too much
Posted by: inwardsun on: November 3, 2009
Too…
tired to write anything of value…
comfortable to care if I do or not…
lazy to tell you about the last couple of days…
…grateful to have it any other way.
So instead I’ll show you the first pic of me, no longer a blonde.
Ben Harper – Waiting on an angel
Posted by: inwardsun on: November 1, 2009
Glüwein – why not?
Posted by: inwardsun on: October 30, 2009
I slept well in my satin sheets, thank you. I woke up a few times during the night gazing out the window…at the stars, the Big Dipper (Karlavagnen) almost dipping over…the pond beneath glistening in the early morning light…my whole room lit up and whoops, time to go to work…I heard my room mate close the door and leave.
After nine hours of filling up fruit, ordering veggies, chatting to costumers, slicing cabbage and arranging Halloween pumpkins, walking home, in the crisp, chilly evening did me good.
My head felt just as clear as the air. My nose was cold and probably a little rosy, adding to the picture of someone with an oversize hat and long scarf walking firmly through deep piles of fallen leaves in a landscape of soon to be, naked trees. I took a deep breath and watched it slowly form into a ghost in front of me.
Mr Winter is waking up and taking out his snow costume.
It won’t be long before frost.
So I figured, glüwein was in order. I love its spicy ginger, clove and cinnamon sweetness. I put enough for a cup to heat on the stove and helped myself to some of the guy’s whisky to spice it up just a little bit more…
When Micke got home I was on my third cup. Luckily he helped me finish the bottle.
I helped him find a costume for his Halloween party: My silky, black 50’s dress. I told him it would totally work with lots of dark, freaky make up and a wig. There we have it; the trashy transvestite look!, we laughed, while he flexed his muscles and spun the skirt around. We don’t know each other that well yet, but I feel comfortable here.
Glüwein has that effect.
The satin feel
Posted by: inwardsun on: October 29, 2009
I am in my new room, in my new temporary home. I am nestled into white satin sheets that I went and bought myself as a treat. The soft lamp light tints the vanilla white walls and outside my window the city street lights sparkles like an ocean of stars.
I feel peaceful.
Good night world.
Moving on
Posted by: inwardsun on: October 27, 2009
Moving on, moving out. Moving in with two guys from back home (brothers, so don’t get any ideas) that has a four bed room apartment in Liljeholmen, or actually on top of the hill above. The apartment block is not such a pretty sight, just a concrete building, a few planted trees and set out playgrounds, but the view, oh the view of the city… I swear when I walked into the living room I felt like I was in New York… ok, that might be an exaggeration, but none the less, the view is great.
So I will be staying with them for a while, which feels good for many reasons. After all the couches I spent my nights on this summer, having a bed, in a room (with a view) is wonderful. That I will actually hang up my clothes in a wardrobe feels like luxury (I can’t believe it’s been six months since I did that) But probably the most important reason is that I won’t be alone.
I won’t begin to tell you about the roller coaster I have been riding, but I’ll tell you that I am starting to feel excited again and not just scared of the next drop.
I am starting to trust the safety of the machinery.
The machinery that is life.
Funny, even though I have shed so many tears in this apartment where I now spend my last night, I admit that we have become a little familiar with each other. You know, my robe on the hook, my shoes in the hall way, my ocean breeze scented candle that Ida gave me as a house present. So when I sit here in bed (there are no tables and the couch is tacky) and listen to the repeating beeping of the fire warning thingy that needs a new battery and that I ripped from the ceiling the other night in bare frustration (still it beeps) I think that I will remember the good things.
This cup for example. What a great cup! We have had some good tea times. And the path through the woods to work, kicking leaves, or stumbling on roots at 5.30 in the misty morning light. The window in the bath room that let’s cold air in when you take a hot shower.
Yeah, it’s been alright…
I move again tomorrow and funny enough I just ran into my new room mate at the gym and he gave me the keys so that I can make myself at home while he is at work. I told him he wouldn’t have to worry; I would have my bare feet on the table and pizza boxes spread out on the couch by the time he gets home.
When I was there to check the place out a few weeks ago he had the stereo on with music from Anna Ternheim streaming through the room, same kind I like. That’s when I decided to move in.
So I’ll let Anna seal this deal.
What kind of friend are you?
Posted by: inwardsun on: October 24, 2009
- In: The quotes
- 5 Comments
Can I count on you to be there, no matter what? she said & I said no & she said what kind of friend are you? & I said the kind who won’t lie to you any time you want & I think she kept me around as a curiosity after that
Recent Comments