Archive for July 2009
Any relationship is under the control
of the person who cares the least
Dr. Gordon Livingston
author of Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart
New week, new home. This is the third in a month. But I like it here. I am sharing flat with a friend of mine. She is on and off on vacation so I switch between the couch and the bed. My suitcase of clothes is still unpacked on the floor. I have bought coffee, almonds, soy milk and asparagus soup. Always on the run.
I have been here before…
Flashback – 4 years ago. Me and my boyfriend are sitting on these cliffs, overlooking the bay of Vinterviken. We are eating freckled strawberries and we talk about life, what we want from it and where we are heading. A few years later, we headed in different directions.
That summer, I used to run past the gardens and the ecological café, around the pond and up the hill and down again to where we lived. I used to pass by this flat, where I find myself now.
I was running past my future life. How bizarre is that?
I work at the same place with the same people. I do the same thing and see the same customers. I slice watermelon and fill up bananas and sing to myself while I do so. I make mental notes to order beetroot and not forget the pineapple. I work 60 hours a week and I sleep not more than 5 hours a night. I probably look the same, but more tired.
So little has changed on the outside. So much is different inside.
Don’t get me wrong. This place is great to rest my head at and perfect for me now. It’s a busy job still no one is riding my back or asking me questions about what I really want to do. I need this space to plan my days and do my thing and the money that will allow me freedom next year.
Flashback – 1,5 year ago. I am on a fifteen hours flight to Cape Town. To my right there is Lorena, who doesn’t yet know she will be my best friend. I get that stirring feeling of excitement and it reminds me of snowflakes in a glass bulb so I write a poem in my journal that I call Whirlwind. It sums up my time in South Africa.
It is not windy enough here but I am happy.
I read today that love is about resemblance and passion is about diversity.
My life is made up by both.
the rain glitters on the dark hair of night like stars
to love you as you are, is to love you as you were
when the first rain fell unknown to anyone but you
and we surrendered to our separate destiny
even as you surrendered to us the closeness
of a rain that has never stopped falling
calling us to the universe within us, within you
i hold you close to me, closer than the clinging rain
not knowing if i let go of you, will you let go of me
or will you hold me closer still
by the South African poet Shabbir Banoobhai
I look around my group of friends. One is married to her high school sweetheart and mother to a one year old. One found the love of her life in a Thai guy, another met her Australian-French-Malay soul mate in the middle of the Rio carnival turmoil. Lorena, who is Swiss-French-Italian just bought her ticket and is getting serious with her Capetonian boyfriend.
Seems like we travel far to get close to people…
When they talk about their partners and loved ones, there is a special shimmer in their eyes and sturdiness in their voices; there is just no doubt; they have met the person that they want to share their lives with.
But how can we tell, when we don’t even know what our lives will be like?
Is it not more accurately, that we meet the person that we want to share the present with?
Other friends of mine are experiencing the flipside of love; miscommunication, fear, sadness and frustration. Desires and needs. We come to those places in all emotional relationships, I think, as the great polarity slings us back and forth between the state of delight and darkness. To experience the elevation, we must rise from underneath. It takes energy but when we’re there it comes back multiplied.
The forces of love and fear are the forces that rule our world.
My girl friends turn to me for advice. I give them my honest opinion, my support and belief. I tell them all things come back to us. I tell them to keep the faith. That what’s meant to be will be. I tell them to always seek to be better, to make a better choice, to rise to the occasion, to risk the fact that the other person will choose another path. I tell them not to expect – but reflect, because love is a message and you are both the sender and the receiver.
I tell them to let go. I especially tell them that.
But then I see those friends, who are unmistakably happy in their relationships and I think, that maybe they wouldn’t be where they are if they didn’t choose every day to hold on.
Isn’t that the most beautiful part after all?
Letting go of ourselves.
Holding on to love.
Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere; I’ve looked at clouds that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.
I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud’s illusions i recall.
I really don’t know clouds at all.
Moons and Junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; I’ve looked at love that way.
But now it’s just another show, you leave ‘em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know, don’t give yourself away.
I’ve looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions i recall.
I really don’t know love at all.
Tears and fears and feeling proud to say “I love you” right out loud.
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds; I’ve looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say I’ve changed.
Something’s lost but something’s gained in living every day.
I’ve looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions i recall.
I really don’t know life at all.
I have waited a year to write about a special series of books that I read back in Cape Town. You don’t need to be into “spirituality” to appreciate them, you don’t need to be anything actually, but if you’ve ever wondered about life, death and everything inbetween, then you might want to give it a go.
Who knows, you might learn something? Or remember…
The books are available in Swedish (“Samtal med Gud”) but unfortunately already by the title you are more likely to have a feeling of Lutheran Sunday school chills and discomfort than of curiosity and interest. Swedish people are not religious, much less spiritual. But. If you have found your way to this blog and you feel what I’m saying, take my word for it and get a hold of these books online.
Forget every preconceived idea you have about “God”, or don’t if you will, but remember that it is you, as an interpreter that designs your reality.
Therefore, do not consider it a “Conversation with God” but with yourself. Also, I suggest you do what I have done with my books. Make remarks, underline words and sentences, fold the pages, go back and reread them, take them with you, consider them a reminder of everything you already know.
One night, Neale Donald Walsch felt a need to express his frustration on what he believed to be failures and disappointments of his life. He decided to go straight to the source. He decided to write a letter to God. After pouring out questions about why he couldn’t find happiness in his relationship and why he didn’t have more success, he suddenly felt an invincible force take control of his pen and mind.
Do you really want an answer to all these questions, or are you just venting?
He continued to write as the thoughts came to his head.
Both. I’m venting, sure, but if these questions have answers, I’d sure as hell like to hear them!
And there the dialogue began. It continued for more than three years and produced three books on these topics;
Individual Truths – personal topics such as love and fear, needs and desires, creation and experience.
Global Truths – geographical and metaphysical life and the challenges now facing the world.
Universal Truths – opportunities of the soul.
The books are easy, reflective and completely authentic. Depending on where you “are” in life, you will appreciate different things, hence why the dialogue is ongoing. Believe what you will, but always, always, keep you heart open.
And read these books. They WILL blow your mind!
This poem, by Gustav Fröding, was probably the first poem I came across. I was not more than twelve when I learned to recite it, not realizing the simple and beautiful message hidden in the words.
två små båtar, på väg i kvav
möttes en gång, på ett upprört hav
sida vid sida, en stund de låg
kämpade mot ödet, på samma våg
sagan förtäljer att ödet vann
stormen drev dem, för nära varann
krossade spillror, sjönk i de vatten
där två små båtar, hade möts i natten